+ Makka Na Ito +


God knows how much I wished for you to come.
Seeing your face would calm my heart - I thought.
Making sure you're doing fine would please my soul - I thought.
Yet, all that hoping, all that begging left me unprepared.

There you were. So incredibly close, so incredibly far.
I had guessed for your eyes to be filled with disdain for me. Disdain and ignorance.
Instead you stood in the shadows, one step behind. And when I looked up your eyes were already fixed on me. Your eyes that always seem to smile. There was no negativity coming from you. Your face was soft, so calm... so empty. This time around your eyes did not smile at me. They seemed one blink away... from a sigh.

Despite me longing for this moment to come, here I stood, not knowing what to do. Frozen for a second, frozen for a heartbeat.
And then a crack.
Didn't I want to see you doing well? Didn't I want to see you happy, no matter how much that might have hurt? Why weren't you... don't you know that this hurts me even more?
All my feelings, neatly tucked away. Out once more and all over the place.
You spilled them the second I wasn't watching.

I wanted to reach out but my hand wouldn't move.
I wanted to speak but my lips wouldn't move.
Until you were gone once more. Out of sight. Out of reach.

No matter how much you hurt me. No matter what pain you caused. What confusion. Suffering.
I want you back in my life. As my friend, as anything that you were to me. It is so hard to pretend that I am not missing you. And it breaks me apart to see you like that.

How did we end this way?
30.5.13 23:33

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In erster Linie also für mich selbst geschrieben. Du brauchst es nicht zu lesen, also störe dich nicht an Unverständlichem. Wer dennoch gern mitliest sei willkommen geheißen.