+ Makka Na Ito +

Always there

For years
I followed you
In the shadows
Always one step behind
My head hung in shame
Too shy, embarrassed to look you in the eye
As cold winds blew in the dark
My hand kept reaching out for yours
Trembling, hesitant
Until I would slowly pull back again
My eyes fixated on your back
So close I could almost hear you breathe
Yet too far to be by your side
I would bite my lip
And sigh

I kept thinking about
The storm inside of you
Troubles blackening your heart
Time fading you away from me
Unable to contain it any longer
It overflowed and burst
My heart raced as I finally
Grabbed your hand
And looked you in the eye
Your warmth crawled up my arm
"I mean it when I say I love you"
Spilled from my lips
Echoed through the emptiness inside of me
Your face looked very serious
When you said
"I know"
Our time stopped
As storms raged around us
Darkening the autumn sky
Everyone next to us a world apart
The biting cold forced away
By your radiance
Silence sang a song
As we smiled with eyes about to tear up
I bit my lip
And sighed

When we parted
Each swallowed by the night
In my mind
I still held your hand
So hard my knuckles turned white
To know that you know
That I'm always there
Close by
My thoughts attached to you
Caring deeply
Fills me up once again
With the warmth of your embrace
As you kindly thanked me
You bit your lips
And sighed
5.11.16 22:06

Why does it fit so well?

They say that I'm a fool for loving you deeply
Loving you secretly
But I crash in my mind whenever you are near
Getting deaf, dumb and blind
Just drowning in despair
I am lost in your flame
It's burning like a sun
And I call out your name the moment you are gone

[From Saybia's "The Day After Tomorrow" off their debut album The Second You Sleep. Definitely check out this beautiful, beautiful song!]
30.8.16 18:42

What a misleading name

"Future" might be part of your name, yet I see none for us.
After all, it seems, we're not only living on two different sides of this planet,
but in two different worlds altogether.

I want to see you - you say while you take a step further away
I want to be close to you - you say while denying any chance to come here
Everything will work out - you say while making no plans that involve me

Are you waiting for a miracle?
Because I cannot see any of it happening. No matter how much I want to believe, how are things supposed to change without any intention of taking action?
How much longer will I have to wait? How much longer can I wait?
6.6.14 03:56

Not here for regrets

Just as the sun shines, I smile.
Not letting myself drown in set-backs, I struggle on, grasping for every opportunity, cherishing every ray of light. Surely, I struggle but the important bit is that I struggle on. Maybe, with some things, it is impossible for me to move forward, but whatever it takes, I will give it a shot.
And so, even if things are bleak, I let the smallest things gift me with a smile.

"Live your life without regrets"
You, on the other hand, push forward and struggle on without an aim, without a goal. If you stumble, you just lie there and eventually give up. All the while, your heart never smiles. Behind your perfect face, your beautiful eyes and your soft touch, you are filled with regrets. Even if you hide you cannot sleep at night because what truly haunts you is yourself.

So when you got up and left, and told me "I'm going first", the one who was actually left behind, was you.

And I thought it was me you left behind.
But while I had been swept away by the waves of life, washed ashore new lands and experiences, always trying to live up to my own ideals, I see you stuck.
You are moving, in your own circle - always pulled back by what you regret. Always held back by what you could not achieve.
I wanted us to cling to each other for a little longer. I was all ready to pull you along. Yet you let go and struck me down.

So while I fight on, whatever's to come, most definitely I am still with you. Another regret to haunt your dreams. Sometimes it seems to me you haven't heard that there's only this one life you can live.
At least, this way, you'll remember me always.
Please hold me dear because that love I gave you was honest and pure; no regrets attached.
6.9.13 23:25


God knows how much I wished for you to come.
Seeing your face would calm my heart - I thought.
Making sure you're doing fine would please my soul - I thought.
Yet, all that hoping, all that begging left me unprepared.

There you were. So incredibly close, so incredibly far.
I had guessed for your eyes to be filled with disdain for me. Disdain and ignorance.
Instead you stood in the shadows, one step behind. And when I looked up your eyes were already fixed on me. Your eyes that always seem to smile. There was no negativity coming from you. Your face was soft, so calm... so empty. This time around your eyes did not smile at me. They seemed one blink away... from a sigh.

Despite me longing for this moment to come, here I stood, not knowing what to do. Frozen for a second, frozen for a heartbeat.
And then a crack.
Didn't I want to see you doing well? Didn't I want to see you happy, no matter how much that might have hurt? Why weren't you... don't you know that this hurts me even more?
All my feelings, neatly tucked away. Out once more and all over the place.
You spilled them the second I wasn't watching.

I wanted to reach out but my hand wouldn't move.
I wanted to speak but my lips wouldn't move.
Until you were gone once more. Out of sight. Out of reach.

No matter how much you hurt me. No matter what pain you caused. What confusion. Suffering.
I want you back in my life. As my friend, as anything that you were to me. It is so hard to pretend that I am not missing you. And it breaks me apart to see you like that.

How did we end this way?
30.5.13 23:33

Nomadic you, nomadic me

Von einer langen Reise zurück.
Vieles erlebt, viel neues kennengelernt, altes wiedergesehen und ein Stück mehr zu mir selbst gefunden.
Ich bin auf den Spuren der Vergangenheit gewandelt und habe gesehen, was die Zukunft wohl noch bringt.

Ein Reiz am Reisen ist aber auch, dass man einfach alles zurücklassen kann, wenn man in den Flieger steigt - und auf einmal ist alles ganz weit weg. Dinge, die einen sonst rastlos lassen, einem den Schlaf rauben und das Gefühl vermitteln es sei so eng, es gäbe keine Luft zum atmen mehr, die verlieren plötzlich an Bedeutung.
Ah~ es ist wunderbar erfrischend.

Kehr man zurück jedoch, ist alles so, wie man es verlassen hatte. Sie sind noch da, die Probleme, die Sorgen, die Verpflichtungen. Aber auch das ist ein Stück Heimat. Zu Hause wird es nie so unbeschwert sein wie dort, wo man fremd ist.

Doch nach der Reise ist vor der Reise und so arbeitet man darauf hin, wieder einmal alles hinter sich lassen zu können.

P.S. Welch ein Ärgernis hierher zurückzukehren und überall eklige Werbebanner zu finden. Müssen die nun wirklich auch ZWISCHEN den Einträgen auftauchen!?
21.5.13 18:22

Eternal prince of my heart

遠い道の先で あなたの事をずっと想う
昨日のように感じる 出逢い忘れはしない

遠い道の先に あなたがいれば見つめ合える
変わらぬ愛守る そう 永遠に忘れはしない


Because even darkness and pride can bear a hero.
I shall never forget you and the strength of your heart. No matter if your future seems blurred and the signs leave me uneasy, I have faith in you and those who love you with all their heart. Deep inside I know what bliss and grief await you. It doesn't make me happy but it surely gives me peace.

Eternal flawfree prince of my heart, thank you for the time! <3
16.10.12 00:47

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